Passion

I have been working this week on rediscovering my passion. The numbness I have been feeling is worse than the pain. Discovering Jim Jones and his heinous acts on his followers opened the world of dangerous cults to me. I felt for these people who lost their lives in a jungle. I wanted to be able to save them. I want to save future people from suffering the same deaths as these from the past. Because no matter what anyone thinks, from blaming the victims to thinking that Jim Jones was just one of kind, they are wrong. It not only can happen, it will. Focusing on these people reawakened why I feel for people who are suffering from abusive cults. But my passion is more heated up by researching Scientology and the current abuse they are inflicting on their poor members over and over as I write. If you do a web search with "Scientology deaths" you will find numerous entries...more than be appreciated. These are people...people just like you and me. Any group that asks for as much as Scientology does (either thousands for courses or a billion year contract) should appreciate its members more. Instead, once they have taken all that they can, they seem to see these people as disposable. What may be worse are the people who keep their physical lives but suffer from mental illness for the rest of their lives from their treatment by the organization. I would imagine there are many more deaths that are not recorded as Scientology deaths but are related by the destruction that was brought to these poor souls who were left alone to suffer the psychological effects of this cult all on their own.

Tired

I don't do anything, yet I am tired. All the time. Like it is exhausting to watch television most of the day. Okay, I take care of my puppy, which is really something. And I take care of the house, the food, the laundry. So I have been better, but it is so easy when I fail to fall all the way down into a deep den of depression. I feel like I suck at life. So why am I so hard on myself? If a friend came to me with these issues I would easily pick up on all the positive in their lives. In ten seconds I could list ten reasons to not be so down. So why can't I do that to myself? Why is it always all or nothing with me? Thousands of years ago, Jesus knew all my failures. He knew failures I haven't even attempted at this point in my life. Knowing it all, he was still beaten for me. He was still spit upon for me. He still suffered the world's worst form of torture. For me. Why? Because no matter how messy my life gets, Jesus thinks it was worth it. Not that I bring Him anything. But because of His incredible love for me (and you) He sits at the right hand of God and says, "Yes she's a mess. But she is mine." And because of this love, I should always remember to get up from wherever I have fallen and follow Him. Because I think when someone dies for you, you have the responsibility to try to see things their way.

Waiting for What?

So we have been in Myrtle Beach for almost a month now. And I haven't been writing. I told myself I was going to get our office together and then start writing. However, while our house is definitely coming together, the office is still almost completely boxes. And so I put off getting my act together and writing every day. Meanwhile, a part of me seems to know there will always be some excuse. So, whether or not I have all my crap together, I will make a point to write. Because I know, deep down, I will never have all my crap together. Do you do that in your relationship with God? Are you waiting to get it all together to offer yourself over to His service? God knows we are a mess. We need to remember we are nothing without God. If we keep waiting to become better people without God that day will never ever come. So no matter what mess you find yourself in, give it over to God. Let Him help you get your act together. And don't worry if you still feel like a mess. People will see God through our mess. He is evident through our fallen selves when we let the world know that we couldn't do anything away from Him.

Commercial Gets It Right

So, one of my favorite commercials is the one where the "depression" is pictured as a dark item (an umbrella, a robe) that is a constant in the life of the sufferer. It is the most accurate depiction I have ever seen. Even after the medication takes hold, the depression remains in the picture, although it is not on top of the poor girl anymore. I see this in my life. Some days the depression is not in control, but it always is in the picture. It remains in my life, just not right on top of me. And just like the commercial with the robe, sometimes I almost make it out of the grip, however it comes up behind me and tackles me. I cannot grow with this depression on my back. I need to shake myself free by taking care of myself. With or with medication I need to have faith that God wants more for my life than to suffer from this awful disease. And He feels the same about any one of you who suffers the same.

Angry Girls

So yeah. I was listening to the radio and there was a story on that there is a growing trend in violence among girls. This male PhD was trying to advise parents how to prevent this in young girls. He explained the situation may stem from competive situations with male counterparts or violence in today's media. His advice to the parents? Keep violent influences away from young girls, don't allow them to make crude jokes, and of course control what they watch.
I have a problem with this. For one thing, I feel the competion is not just with males but definitely with females. I feel enormous pressure even in the church to be as good as the next woman. To be as good a cook, as good as a wife, as good looking. I don't have kids yet, but I shudder at the mom competition. Also, I am not by nature violent or confrontational, but I have had what could be considered very mild violent outbursts. (Verbal, like I said, I am a meek mouse. I'll never beat anyone up on MTV.) Usually I am alone with myself and God, but I would say my "violence" is brought on by situations that were unavoidable, and where I could not control the outcome whatsoever. Nor could my parental units.
For instance in the job environment when I was being harrassed by someone above me and despite my reports I could not get any help. This is the situation that I feel changed me from a "girl" to a woman in the workforce. However, I tend to expect to be screwed over for the most part now, so I don't know if that is the best attitude. But I was forced to stand up for myself and confront someone by myself without my parents or anyone else and say that what was going on was wrong.
Truly I would say to my girl, you can't control the way other people are going to act, only the way you are going to react. Jesus gives us great examples of how to react to people, there are always great people on earth to look up to, and in the heat of the moment you have to remember, there are consequences to how you react to people. People are going to hurt you, but that doesn't mean that you hurt people.
Goodness knows I can say it, but I am spending a lifetime trying to figure that last one out.

Unoffendable?

Should we seek to be the least likely to offend as Christians?

Read what Mark Galli has to say about it in his article, Blessed are the Unoffended. You might be surprised what he has to say.



And until the link decides to start functioning, just copy and paste: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/novemberweb-only/55-41.0.html?start=1

A Boston Terrier Christian

I do not know how many of you are familiar with the wonderful breed known as the boston terrier. Our family owns two, and they are the greatest dogs. One trait we picked up on quickly and found written in many a book about the breed was that the dog, which is small but just breaks the barrier into qualifying as a "medium" breed, has no sense of its own size. Which is something to be aware of when say, meeting other breeds of dogs on the street.
The family dog, Daisy, deceptively hops happily up to greet other dogs, be they yorkshire terriers or great danes. One of us will then follow her, having learned that inevitably, this interaction will not be all that it appears...the other owner just looks at the grinning face of our sweet puppy and says, "Oh, it's okay, my dog won't hurt her." Usually on this occasion, the other dog is bigger than Daisy. However, upon reaching the other dog, Daisy's happy face twists into a snarling mess, and she begins to bark what I can only imagine if were close captioned, would be censored for extreme vulgarity.
Then the owner gives us a dirty look and drags their dog away, offended. We always try to warn them - it's not you we're really worried about. It's us.
I truly feel this way about myself. I remember hearing in church that you plus God is a winning team. And feeling like a loner most of my life, I took this to heart. But perhaps in a sense I have skewed the positive nature of this message into something beyond what was intended.
Because my personality is also somewhat of a know it all. So truthfully I have trouble learning from other people. I feel like Daisy where I forget that my size is not truly greater than that of my peers. Because I have felt trapped so often in church, I feel so often like I have to fight my fellow Christians, and I forget, that it is not God plus one against the rest of the Church.
The psalmist wrote, "I am just a worm." And that psalm was foreshadowing Christ, so I am probably lower.
But every day, I tug on the leash and I feel like I am bigger. I think about the knowledge I have, the books I have read. I climb on the backs of the people who went before me, and I think I can do even better.
But so far my bark has been more deadly than my bite.