One of the most shameful things as a Christian is to admit that you are not as in control of your life as you think you should be.
I have been struggling with a deep depression since my last couple posts. I admit freely that sometimes I become so depressed I cannot leave the house or function. But this does not make me (or you, if you know what I am saying) less of a Christian.
But a crappy Christian? Perhaps. I do become more selfish. I want only what makes me comfortable. I feel so bad, I feel like I deserve it. But my life is not all about me.
No matter how dark your days may get, never forget that life does not revolve around you. When a life is as it should be, it will be all about God.
I am going to try to write my way out of this darkness, so hopefully I will have more for you soon.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Falling Down
So like a little old lady I have fallen all over the place lately. I fell once on the sidewalk going to get my mail. And then again on the step of my neighbors whilst they watched me try to carry groceries and talk on the phone.
But humorous as these occasions may be, I am here to talk about another plunge I recently took.
Since my absence on this blog I have been deep in depression. I mean over my head. And when that happens I cease all function. I don't brush my teeth. I don't shower. I may eat nothing or I may eat everything. No matter what I do all I feel is numb.
So I am stepping out here and saying that I feel nothing. And doesn't that make for some interesting reading?
One of the worst attacks on us as humans is, I believe, the feeling that we are alone in something. And that is my point today. I want to stand up and shout that I know, I KNOW, I am not alone in this depression. I am not the only person who woke up today, or never went to sleep, and I feel completely numb. Pain is almost welcome when it means that some emotion makes it through the dense fog of depression.
So don't believe the lie. Whatever it means to you, know you are never alone.
But humorous as these occasions may be, I am here to talk about another plunge I recently took.
Since my absence on this blog I have been deep in depression. I mean over my head. And when that happens I cease all function. I don't brush my teeth. I don't shower. I may eat nothing or I may eat everything. No matter what I do all I feel is numb.
So I am stepping out here and saying that I feel nothing. And doesn't that make for some interesting reading?
One of the worst attacks on us as humans is, I believe, the feeling that we are alone in something. And that is my point today. I want to stand up and shout that I know, I KNOW, I am not alone in this depression. I am not the only person who woke up today, or never went to sleep, and I feel completely numb. Pain is almost welcome when it means that some emotion makes it through the dense fog of depression.
So don't believe the lie. Whatever it means to you, know you are never alone.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Constant Comfort
I am not a trusting person. I do not look at my fellow human beings and think, "there is an inherently good group of people!" I have had to do better since I up and left everyone I knew a state or two away. And I am learning to give people at least one chance.
But I have come to learn I never need to doubt in God. Just like the ocean's waves coming in every few seconds, God will never stop coming to me. No matter how ugly my life becomes God is always there like the rhythm of the waves breaking over the shoreline.
So while I understand distrusting those around you, the imperfection of the people in this world should not cause you to distrust God. He is the one and only constant we can find in the world.
But I have come to learn I never need to doubt in God. Just like the ocean's waves coming in every few seconds, God will never stop coming to me. No matter how ugly my life becomes God is always there like the rhythm of the waves breaking over the shoreline.
So while I understand distrusting those around you, the imperfection of the people in this world should not cause you to distrust God. He is the one and only constant we can find in the world.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
One Day in the Life
So I've been working through the 1001 Books to Read Before You Die. On Goodreads there is a group that reads one book every month. This month we are reading "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich." While I was reading this morning a line from the novel hit me smack in the face:
"A convict's thoughts are no freer than he is: they come back to the same place, worry over the same thing continually."
I thought about this a lot. Well, at least 20 minutes or so. And I know that I am a prisoner to myself sometimes. Taking the thought backwards - my thoughts worry over the same thing continually, I find myself going back to the same thought again and again. Does that make me a prisoner?
I know that it does at least part of the time. For instance, I am constantly aware of my weight. If it shifts I feel it, I am ever aware of how my body feels against my clothes. And I hate it. I have gained some weight with my medicines over the years and I feel completely out of control to do anything about it sometimes.
These thoughts come to me sometimes hourly. But what is it doing? Secular and non secular alike would agree that a person is not his mere physical make up. But by many definitions I am obsessed with my appearance.
In the Christian world, I know that this should not haunt me the way it does. It makes me a prisoner to my physical body, which (thank God) I will not have with me forever. If I focus on the things of God, whatever is true, whatever is holy, what is good, these battles will not come back to me every time I shift in my seat. I will not worry about what I have to do or how sick I feel because I know these things will all pass away.
One day.
"A convict's thoughts are no freer than he is: they come back to the same place, worry over the same thing continually."
I thought about this a lot. Well, at least 20 minutes or so. And I know that I am a prisoner to myself sometimes. Taking the thought backwards - my thoughts worry over the same thing continually, I find myself going back to the same thought again and again. Does that make me a prisoner?
I know that it does at least part of the time. For instance, I am constantly aware of my weight. If it shifts I feel it, I am ever aware of how my body feels against my clothes. And I hate it. I have gained some weight with my medicines over the years and I feel completely out of control to do anything about it sometimes.
These thoughts come to me sometimes hourly. But what is it doing? Secular and non secular alike would agree that a person is not his mere physical make up. But by many definitions I am obsessed with my appearance.
In the Christian world, I know that this should not haunt me the way it does. It makes me a prisoner to my physical body, which (thank God) I will not have with me forever. If I focus on the things of God, whatever is true, whatever is holy, what is good, these battles will not come back to me every time I shift in my seat. I will not worry about what I have to do or how sick I feel because I know these things will all pass away.
One day.
Friday, January 18, 2013
In the beginning...
...you walk into a church.
And that in itself is a terrifying sentence. You walk into a church for the first time and you don't know if anyone is going to care you are there. You may just be a body to fill a seat or you may be an inconvenience. But if you are lucky, you feel that spark, that connection with a special church and you settle down to make a family.
I am not the first to compare church shopping to dating and I will not be the last. You dress up in your best, you feel awkward and nervous and you notice the little things like, why does he sweat so much? That guy chews funny. This lady smells funny.
The worst for me is getting into a church and not knowing what to do next. Do I snack on the goodies in the back? Do I sit down right away? Will I be sitting in someone else's seat and have to move? Will anyone at all say "hi" to me?
I feel funny going back the second time as well. In fact, when I was looking for churches a couple of months ago, I would not be able to sleep the night before. Which did make it hard to get up in the morning and be my best.
But after about a month about my new church, that feeling finally went away. I finally recognize the people I greet in the morning. I feel like a part of it when people know me. And all in all, for all the stress, when you find the right place you hardly remember that feeling you had when you walked in the door.
And that in itself is a terrifying sentence. You walk into a church for the first time and you don't know if anyone is going to care you are there. You may just be a body to fill a seat or you may be an inconvenience. But if you are lucky, you feel that spark, that connection with a special church and you settle down to make a family.
I am not the first to compare church shopping to dating and I will not be the last. You dress up in your best, you feel awkward and nervous and you notice the little things like, why does he sweat so much? That guy chews funny. This lady smells funny.
The worst for me is getting into a church and not knowing what to do next. Do I snack on the goodies in the back? Do I sit down right away? Will I be sitting in someone else's seat and have to move? Will anyone at all say "hi" to me?
I feel funny going back the second time as well. In fact, when I was looking for churches a couple of months ago, I would not be able to sleep the night before. Which did make it hard to get up in the morning and be my best.
But after about a month about my new church, that feeling finally went away. I finally recognize the people I greet in the morning. I feel like a part of it when people know me. And all in all, for all the stress, when you find the right place you hardly remember that feeling you had when you walked in the door.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Starting over
So let me backtrack some. The obvious premise of this blog is that I am a Christian who has grown up in an abusive church. It has beaten me up time and time again. Why do I keep going back? Because I still love God. And if I am to love God I am supposed to love His Church. (John 15:12)
One thing that has been a catalyst for me in the past few months is leaving the church I had become cocooned in for ten years and being forced to look around churches to find something for me. We moved eight hours away from home and if I wanted to create any kind of community here I would need a church. I began to ache for it in a way that I have never hungered for the Church. I went to one church here and I felt completely rejected. It felt as if I filled out a visitor sheet and someone behind the scene said, "no, we don't need her" and the church just kept going. About a month after I requested information and community a nice group did come visit, but it was at that point I had decided to continue on my journey.
And that next step is where I find myself now. I found my church home that next week. Logically I kept thinking I should maybe visit other churches or give myself more time, but within a week I knew - this was where God wanted me to be right now. And I would settle in and do whatever God gave me to do. And rock the stinking socks off it.
But even as a Christian it is terrifying to walk into a church where you know no one. And if no one even says hello, it feels like a rejection. How much more important would it be to be friendly to that visitor if you knew that her spiritual survival might hinge on if you show him or her Christ or give them the cold shoulder?
One thing that has been a catalyst for me in the past few months is leaving the church I had become cocooned in for ten years and being forced to look around churches to find something for me. We moved eight hours away from home and if I wanted to create any kind of community here I would need a church. I began to ache for it in a way that I have never hungered for the Church. I went to one church here and I felt completely rejected. It felt as if I filled out a visitor sheet and someone behind the scene said, "no, we don't need her" and the church just kept going. About a month after I requested information and community a nice group did come visit, but it was at that point I had decided to continue on my journey.
And that next step is where I find myself now. I found my church home that next week. Logically I kept thinking I should maybe visit other churches or give myself more time, but within a week I knew - this was where God wanted me to be right now. And I would settle in and do whatever God gave me to do. And rock the stinking socks off it.
But even as a Christian it is terrifying to walk into a church where you know no one. And if no one even says hello, it feels like a rejection. How much more important would it be to be friendly to that visitor if you knew that her spiritual survival might hinge on if you show him or her Christ or give them the cold shoulder?
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
So last night...
I attended this event at my new church. I started back in October and I am really excited about the prospect of being an active member after this church after laying dormant for so long in my old congregation.
The honeymoon phase is so exciting! The opportunities feel endless! No one here carries preconceived notions of who I am or what I can and cannot do as a member. Here it is all still hugs and genuine smiles. It always takes a while to get at the gross stuff that is swept under the carpet.
What makes me so happy here is that they recognize there is stuff swept under the carpet. There is no pretense that we are any different from each other, that by being in the church longer you are then holier than me. For example - try to beat me. I have grown up in the church AND I have two degrees from Liberty University, what up? No. I have seen people become Christians and shoot right past me on the "holy" scale. The idea that there is competition about who is the cleaner pig is beyond me.
But anyhoo, my church seems to be as real as a church can be, real and forthcoming. So how do I know I won't be burned again?
One answer - I have taken the precaution of putting no person on a pedestal. I do not look to anyone like they are higher or holier, that they have all the answers. When that person inevitably fails you, the boom from the fall can cause earthquakes in your life.
And lastly, I just do not know if I will be burned again or not. People will be people and people can hurt other people. It is one of our many freedoms. So will Satan attack me through this church? Chances are if I am on my guard and I can focus on serving God the best I can and doing the best job of what I have been given to do in the church that I should not have the time to focus too much on being brought down by a load of someone else's garbage.
In reference to my last post though, I am still a spaz around the pastorate. I trying to play that one cool, but I am never myself around someone who calls themselves a pastor of our church. I crawl so far into myself I feel like a shy little girl on the first day of school. I just completely retreat. I can be myself in a group of pastors...but one on one I keep expecting to hear that I just do not add up. So this will be a process that I am thinking will not solve itself quickly.
More to come!
The honeymoon phase is so exciting! The opportunities feel endless! No one here carries preconceived notions of who I am or what I can and cannot do as a member. Here it is all still hugs and genuine smiles. It always takes a while to get at the gross stuff that is swept under the carpet.
What makes me so happy here is that they recognize there is stuff swept under the carpet. There is no pretense that we are any different from each other, that by being in the church longer you are then holier than me. For example - try to beat me. I have grown up in the church AND I have two degrees from Liberty University, what up? No. I have seen people become Christians and shoot right past me on the "holy" scale. The idea that there is competition about who is the cleaner pig is beyond me.
But anyhoo, my church seems to be as real as a church can be, real and forthcoming. So how do I know I won't be burned again?
One answer - I have taken the precaution of putting no person on a pedestal. I do not look to anyone like they are higher or holier, that they have all the answers. When that person inevitably fails you, the boom from the fall can cause earthquakes in your life.
And lastly, I just do not know if I will be burned again or not. People will be people and people can hurt other people. It is one of our many freedoms. So will Satan attack me through this church? Chances are if I am on my guard and I can focus on serving God the best I can and doing the best job of what I have been given to do in the church that I should not have the time to focus too much on being brought down by a load of someone else's garbage.
In reference to my last post though, I am still a spaz around the pastorate. I trying to play that one cool, but I am never myself around someone who calls themselves a pastor of our church. I crawl so far into myself I feel like a shy little girl on the first day of school. I just completely retreat. I can be myself in a group of pastors...but one on one I keep expecting to hear that I just do not add up. So this will be a process that I am thinking will not solve itself quickly.
More to come!
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