As a crappy Christian, I am not always motivated for the right reasons. For instance, I have always wanted to write. Ever since I was in 2nd grade and I discovered the beauty of Edgar Allan Poe. I shared "The Raven" at show and tell. There is no other arena where I fell as safe as the written word.
Fast forward to freshman year of high school. I had a teacher who hated everything I loved. She hated Edgar Allan Poe. She thought Gone With the Wind was "smut." For reals? And worst of all, I felt like she hated me and my writing. She even told me that as emotional as I was I would never be a real writer.
That put me in my place.
To this day I have wanted to be published more than anything. And to dedicate my book to the woman who said I would never have it. To go on Jay Leno and talk about how this woman who should have supported me pushed me down.
Right. Make whatever I write all about her. And what makes me even angrier is that maybe that was what she wanted. Maybe she knew to motivate me I would have to get really pissed off. And the last thing I want to do is make my writing all about "getting back" at a woman who may or may not have been in my corner. A woman I hope to never see again.
Bitterness and anger only really hurt me. I greatly doubt that this woman feels a pain every time I think of how awful she made me feel TWELVE years ago. (Dude, I feel old.) But I do. My stomach churns. My head hurts. And I HATE. And then I feel ugly. Hate is so ugly.
So I ask God to take it away. The hate for my English teacher. The hate for my grandmother who abused me, my brother, my father, and my mother. My father's sister for the same. My ex-boyfriend who took everything he could from me and used his 9 year old brother to break up with me. Because I am not big enough. I would hold on to these things and sit quietly in a corner forever just simmering with anger. Anger at the world for creating people like this.
But even though the world has its share of ugly people it also has its share of beautiful people. My grandfather who always told me to love Jesus and hold on to Him with everything because He was all that mattered in life. My best friend, Jackie, who makes me smile every time I think of her. My parents who support every dream I have. And last but not least, my husband who loves me despite all the crazy I put him through.
So yes, the world can suck. But if we turn away from that stink we can find beauty in twice as many things as the ugly. Because light will always win over darkness.