I Love TV

Okay, so maybe my biggest sin is not just slothfulness. Maybe I am becoming my biggest sin by making my life all about my level of comfort.

Dealing with depression it is easy to focus everything on a certain level of comfort. But no matter how bad I feel Jesus has called us to go, take up our cross, and follow Him. Taking up a cross may be a not so vivid illustration in our times, but one thing is for sure - it doesn't sound like it is meant to make my life as comfortable as possible.

Which is what I am all about. I take naps. I watch TV. I have Netflix. If those things fail me, I have TV on DVD as a last resort. I am never without entertainment. My phone has games which I use to entertain myself whenever I am in a line (or just bored.)

But never in my down time do I think, gee, why don't I read that nice book I bought to learn more about the life of David? Or why don't I memorize some Scripture? (There's an app for that.) Or why don't I read the Bible on my nifty phone app when I am in line instead of cooking things in a fake diner?

I once heard from my pastor that given the choice we would probably never choose to pray, but we are to do it because doing it is obedient to God.

Life with God is not about the comforts He provides, it is about Him providing everything we need.

Be Ready

Now that everyone has their pants on per the last blog post, it is time to be ready to defend yourselves.

One of my favorite Bible verses is 1 Peter 3:15 - "but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;"

Are you always ready to defend your faith? Sometimes the challenges come from the weirdest places at the most unexpected times. When I am turned upside down by a challenge I usually stutter and don't get out any discernible answer. I test well in controlled situations, but my action reflex is not always ready for the outside.

Also, remember that our answers are to be with gentleness and reverence. We are not supposed to take out our Bible and bash people in the head, or criticize that they don't know the answers. (I am especially bad about this with newbie Christians.) We are called to be gentle and respectful. Many, and I mean many many, have stories of Christians who are neither. I do and the person asking (or baiting) may too. How many lives could be saved if we just followed Peter's advice here?

Getting Back Up

As I have written previously, I am working my way out of a deep depressive episode. I have decided one way to be productive. Let me share this advice for anyone else who may be going through the same struggles as myself.

My advice?

Wear pants.

Ah, yes. I get way more done when I am wearing jeans or any such bottom other than stretchy pants.

Oh, I love my stretchy pants. They are so forgiving and they bring me such joy. But alas, they encourage me to not move or get things done. Often I put them on intending to have a great cardiovascular movement kind of day. But generally these pants are more acquainted with the couch than any other sort of sport.

So let me put on the kind of pants that say - "I will do something with myself today! I will get something, anything, done!"

Wearing pants. You heard it hear first.

My Biggest Sin

Everyone struggles with sin. But for me I do not always have a lot to repent from each and every day. That is because of all my sins, the biggest one is that I do not do anything. And I mean anything at all. I easily spent most of yesterday on the couch watching DVDs of Friends. Maybe I spent some time tidying up. But mostly I watched Jennifer Aniston get thinner and thinner and napped.
All in all, I believe that making real mistakes is much better than making the mistake of doing nothing. How do we grow without first making a few mistakes? How do we correct what is wrong in our lives without doing anything at all?
All in all, I want to dive headfirst into my life, knowing that my sins are forgiven, not worrying about attaining perfection with everything rather than doing nothing. Not that I look for sin and such, but I wish to walk out the door everyday with a purpose rather than a routine.

Trusting God with My Sciatica

So on Sunday, I asked for prayer for a pain in my back. Before I left that day a man asked to pray for me to be healed. He put his hands on me and prayed.
If I haven't said it before I am Baptist and this made me majorly uncomfortable.
But why?
The guy asked me if I believed God could heal me. And I do. But I kinda don't.
I have no problem believing that God is control of everything. I am very Calvinist about all this. But there are still areas of my life that I do not believe God is that concerned with. But why do I think that?
I do not think God worries about healing things short of cancer and the like. I do not pray for (most) sporting events. I definitely doubt that God sprouts parking spaces on busy shopping days.
But do I get to decide what is important and what is weird? In short, not so much.
So can God heal my back pain. I believe he can. But I still struggle with whether or not I believe He will.
Any thoughts?

Huggable, Lovable

I wonder sometimes if I am not as cuddly as a Christian should be. Bible studies bring this out in me. I love discussing the Bible, theology especially, and I do love meeting people, but...
I always love the Bible, the theology, the truth more. If the truth hurts someone's feelings, I almost don't care. But feeling the way I do, I can lose out on a lot of relationships.
In the last group I co-taught, I was definitely not the one most people came to. Now people came to me, but not if they wanted comfort. I was/am not the kind to hold you, rock you, and talk to you over and over about your problems. If you have a problem, let's address a solution. Until you take action, I generally have nothing else to say.
I worry because I do not know if I am the kind of person I would bring my own troubles to. Do I belong in a Bible study as a leader, or should I just remain one of the attenders?

I'm Coming Back!

Through the prayers and love I have preciously received, I am back on my blog. I couldn't have done this without your support and God's strength.
I am still pretty up and down, but the days of wishing I would drop out of existence seem long gone reminding me there are better ways to spend my time. Netflix and also my blog.
I have been trying to get outside every day too. It inspires me and also I hear the more I move, the less I am likely to return to my dark days.
It is a good thing that God is not about religion. If my salvation depending on my quiet times or church attendance the past month, I would be dropped from the family. Aren't we lucky that God is not a God who keeps track of what we do wrong?
Amen to that.

In Hiding...

One of the most shameful things as a Christian is to admit that you are not as in control of your life as you think you should be.

I have been struggling with a deep depression since my last couple posts. I admit freely that sometimes I become so depressed I cannot leave the house or function. But this does not make me (or you, if you know what I am saying) less of a Christian.

But a crappy Christian? Perhaps. I do become more selfish. I want only what makes me comfortable. I feel so bad, I feel like I deserve it. But my life is not all about me.

No matter how dark your days may get, never forget that life does not revolve around you. When a life is as it should be, it will be all about God.

I am going to try to write my way out of this darkness, so hopefully I will have more for you soon.

Falling Down

So like a little old lady I have fallen all over the place lately. I fell once on the sidewalk going to get my mail. And then again on the step of my neighbors whilst they watched me try to carry groceries and talk on the phone.
But humorous as these occasions may be, I am here to talk about another plunge I recently took.
Since my absence on this blog I have been deep in depression. I mean over my head. And when that happens I cease all function. I don't brush my teeth. I don't shower. I may eat nothing or I may eat everything. No matter what I do all I feel is numb.
So I am stepping out here and saying that I feel nothing. And doesn't that make for some interesting reading?
One of the worst attacks on us as humans is, I believe, the feeling that we are alone in something. And that is my point today. I want to stand up and shout that I know, I KNOW, I am not alone in this depression. I am not the only person who woke up today, or never went to sleep, and I feel completely numb. Pain is almost welcome when it means that some emotion makes it through the dense fog of depression.
So don't believe the lie. Whatever it means to you, know you are never alone.

Constant Comfort

I am not a trusting person. I do not look at my fellow human beings and think, "there is an inherently good group of people!" I have had to do better since I up and left everyone I knew a state or two away. And I am learning to give people at least one chance.

But I have come to learn I never need to doubt in God. Just like the ocean's waves coming in every few seconds, God will never stop coming to me. No matter how ugly my life becomes God is always there like the rhythm of the waves breaking over the shoreline.

So while I understand distrusting those around you, the imperfection of the people in this world should not cause you to distrust God. He is the one and only constant we can find in the world.

One Day in the Life

So I've been working through the 1001 Books to Read Before You Die. On Goodreads there is a group that reads one book every month. This month we are reading "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich." While I was reading this morning a line from the novel hit me smack in the face:

"A convict's thoughts are no freer than he is: they come back to the same place, worry over the same thing continually."

I thought about this a lot. Well, at least 20 minutes or so. And I know that I am a prisoner to myself sometimes. Taking the thought backwards - my thoughts worry over the same thing continually, I find myself going back to the same thought again and again. Does that make me a prisoner?

I know that it does at least part of the time. For instance, I am constantly aware of my weight. If it shifts I feel it, I am ever aware of how my body feels against my clothes. And I hate it. I have gained some weight with my medicines over the years and I feel completely out of control to do anything about it sometimes.

These thoughts come to me sometimes hourly. But what is it doing? Secular and non secular alike would agree that a person is not his mere physical make up. But by many definitions I am obsessed with my appearance.

In the Christian world, I know that this should not haunt me the way it does. It makes me a prisoner to my physical body, which (thank God) I will not have with me forever. If I focus on the things of God, whatever is true, whatever is holy, what is good, these battles will not come back to me every time I shift in my seat. I will not worry about what I have to do or how sick I feel because I know these things will all pass away.

One day.

In the beginning...

...you walk into a church.

And that in itself is a terrifying sentence. You walk into a church for the first time and you don't know if anyone is going to care you are there. You may just be a body to fill a seat or you may be an inconvenience. But if you are lucky, you feel that spark, that connection with a special church and you settle down to make a family.

I am not the first to compare church shopping to dating and I will not be the last. You dress up in your best, you feel awkward and nervous and you notice the little things like, why does he sweat so much? That guy chews funny. This lady smells funny.

The worst for me is getting into a church and not knowing what to do next. Do I snack on the goodies in the back? Do I sit down right away? Will I be sitting in someone else's seat and have to move? Will anyone at all say "hi" to me?

I feel funny going back the second time as well. In fact, when I was looking for churches a couple of months ago, I would not be able to sleep the night before. Which did make it hard to get up in the morning and be my best.

But after about a month about my new church, that feeling finally went away. I finally recognize the people I greet in the morning. I feel like a part of it when people know me. And all in all, for all the stress, when you find the right place you hardly remember that feeling you had when you walked in the door.

Starting over

So let me backtrack some. The obvious premise of this blog is that I am a Christian who has grown up in an abusive church. It has beaten me up time and time again. Why do I keep going back? Because I still love God. And if I am to love God I am supposed to love His Church. (John 15:12)

One thing that has been a catalyst for me in the past few months is leaving the church I had become cocooned in for ten years and being forced to look around churches to find something for me. We moved eight hours away from home and if I wanted to create any kind of community here I would need a church. I began to ache for it in a way that I have never hungered for the Church. I went to one church here and I felt completely rejected. It felt as if I filled out a visitor sheet and someone behind the scene said, "no, we don't need her" and the church just kept going. About a month after I requested information and community a nice group did come visit, but it was at that point I had decided to continue on my journey.

And that next step is where I find myself now. I found my church home that next week. Logically I kept thinking I should maybe visit other churches or give myself more time, but within a week I knew - this was where God wanted me to be right now. And I would settle in and do whatever God gave me to do. And rock the stinking socks off it.

But even as a Christian it is terrifying to walk into a church where you know no one. And if no one even says hello, it feels like a rejection. How much more important would it be to be friendly to that visitor if you knew that her spiritual survival might hinge on if you show him or her Christ or give them the cold shoulder?

So last night...

I attended this event at my new church. I started back in October and I am really excited about the prospect of being an active member after this church after laying dormant for so long in my old congregation.
The honeymoon phase is so exciting! The opportunities feel endless! No one here carries preconceived notions of who I am or what I can and cannot do as a member. Here it is all still hugs and genuine smiles. It always takes a while to get at the gross stuff that is swept under the carpet.
What makes me so happy here is that they recognize there is stuff swept under the carpet. There is no pretense that we are any different from each other, that by being in the church longer you are then holier than me. For example - try to beat me. I have grown up in the church AND I have two degrees from Liberty University, what up? No. I have seen people become Christians and shoot right past me on the "holy" scale. The idea that there is competition about who is the cleaner pig is beyond me.
But anyhoo, my church seems to be as real as a church can be, real and forthcoming. So how do I know I won't be burned again?
One answer - I have taken the precaution of putting no person on a pedestal. I do not look to anyone like they are higher or holier, that they have all the answers. When that person inevitably fails you, the boom from the fall can cause earthquakes in your life.
And lastly, I just do not know if I will be burned again or not. People will be people and people can hurt other people. It is one of our many freedoms. So will Satan attack me through this church? Chances are if I am on my guard and I can focus on serving God the best I can and doing the best job of what I have been given to do in the church that I should not have the time to focus too much on being brought down by a load of someone else's garbage.
In reference to my last post though, I am still a spaz around the pastorate. I trying to play that one cool, but I am never myself around someone who calls themselves a pastor of our church. I crawl so far into myself I feel like a shy little girl on the first day of school. I just completely retreat. I can be myself in a group of pastors...but one on one I keep expecting to hear that I just do not add up. So this will be a process that I am thinking will not solve itself quickly.
More to come!

I'm Kind of a Spaz

I have diagnosed myself with a fear of church.

It was a long time coming. I grew up in the institute and have come by my fear honestly. Let me give you just a quick run down of my church experiences:

I was almost "kicked out" of the choir when I was in high school for going to another church's youth group.

I was in a car wreck, laid out, and the only church person to visit wanted the supplies out of my totaled car that I bought for a church event.

I was elected to speak in front of the church on a special event Sunday but the pastor vetoed because I am a girl.

I was called "mentally unstable" by one of my pastors.

So yeah, I may have "pastor phobia."

But it doesn't have to stay that way. God is working to make me new.

Until He completes His work though, I am kind of a spaz. Meeting new church folks makes me edgy. Inside I feel like my dog, wagging all over and screaming, "LIKE ME!" But in my mind I know the truth is found in Galatians 1:10 -

"For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ."

Do I really care what every person thinks of me? If someone is not going to like me for me than there is no reason to jump up and down, performing, and begging to be approved. Begging to be loved.

In the Church we won't be best friends with everybody. But we are called to love everybody. After all does our hand hate our foot? I don't think so. That would be weird. In the same way the body of Christ is called to function (as our bodies at their best.) See Romans 12:4-5.

So I am calling myself to relax. Freaking out never made me friends with anyone. Let's remember whose opinion really matters as we go about our business today.

Working for God

I do my best to work for God. But often times what I feel God calls me to do makes me uncomfortable. So instead I like to curl up with a good book or watch t.v. and try to escape those uncomfortable feelings.
And then I feel guilty. Whenever I miss an opportunity to talk to someone about God or just share encouragement with someone who is difficult I feel bad. Like I am a broken cog in God's plan or some such thing. Fellow Christians, you may have felt this way before. But let me lay down some truth here for you.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

Whether or not you go to church, whether or not you gave money, whether or not you stand up and share the Gospel, it's still not about you. The whole point of a life lived for Christ - it is all about Him.

God doesn't need us to complete His work here on Earth. He is going to finish His plans regardless of if we are a part of it. The only reason for us to get involved is because He loves us and He wants to bless us with the joy of being involved with something bigger than ourselves.

So don't ruin it and make it all about you. Remember, all we are is a speck of sand along God's big ocean. And being near the beach, I realize just how small that makes us. We are blessed to be invited just to share that same ocean with Him.

Loving Him.

What is Going On?

I ask myself this question nearly every day of my life. What is going on? What is the point?
Life gets so messy and my life never looks like the lady's in Proverbs 31...or the women on television...or that woman sitting next to me at church...sigh.
It is so easy to envision everyone else as having it better than we do. But in truth we all struggle, Christians and non-Christians alike. We are all big bundles of mess. But as Christians we are given the promise in Romans 8:28 that whatever our mess is it will all work out for good in the end.
So why do good people suffer? I do not get that. But from history I know that what God says is true. Look at Joseph in the Old Testament. He got too cocky and his brothers almost murdered him for it. At the last minute they sold him into slavery. He was working at Potipher's house only to have his stupid wife come on to him. And then when he avoided her she set him up to look like he had gone through with the affair. Then he is imprisoned. He helps an employee of the king out, asking that he remember his name when the guy goes back to he king. Does he? Of course not. It is two more years before the guy remembers Joseph, and then it's just because he needs something from him. But it turns out that interpreting the king's dream gets Joseph in real good with the king. He becomes the second in command.
How long did all this take? I'm sure someone knows, but I am not good at math and I don't think it really matters. Playing the waiting game for 15 years or 15 minutes is too long when we are in an uncomfortable situation. David waited 16 years between when Samuel told him he would become king of Israel and when he actually took the throne.
My question is when you are in the waiting period, the uncomfortable times, do you just give up on God? Do you assume that He is no longer there?
People may fail you, but no matter what I can promise God never will. I have seen all sorts of people fail me, I have seen the church fail me. But God has never left my side.
I do not know why God allows certain things to happen. I will never understand why he allows a man to shoot little first graders or similar actions. All I have is the promise that things will work out if we trust God. And right now that is my hope.

Faith and Scarlett O'Hara

So looking ahead at a new year there is so much to hope. But with all the resolutions that people are making are we in danger of losing our faith?

One of my favorite books ever is "Gone With the Wind." And unlike many, I love Scarlett O'Hara. The way she rises above the stereotypical woman of the day and sustains herself impresses me. She just gets it done. She does what it takes to get what she wants. Whether you agree with what she does to get what she wants is debatable.

But the truth is that as a Christian this should not be the approach we take with things. Christian Mingle commercials say that you shouldn't wait for God to bring you a mate. God wants you to act now and He wants you to sign up for their service! But in truth isn't waiting on Him just what God wants?

When I push ahead to get what I want, a lot of times I end up with a big mess on my hands. Either that or what I find on the end is just the opposite of what I wanted. It takes more strength to let God do His will than it does to jump ahead in my story.

Fireflight's song "Unbreakable" refers to faith as "moving without knowing." We can remain faithful in what we have now without knowing what lies ahead. And that is hard. I do not know what is ahead for me, I just know that I am not afraid to trust myself in God's hands.

I John 3:2 talks about how we do not know yet what we will be. And as we grope forward in 2013 we don't know what we will be, but if we move forward in genuine faith we will come out better at the end than we arrived at in the beginning. Here's a toast to a beautiful new year for you and me both!