Getting Back Up

As I have written previously, I am working my way out of a deep depressive episode. I have decided one way to be productive. Let me share this advice for anyone else who may be going through the same struggles as myself.

My advice?

Wear pants.

Ah, yes. I get way more done when I am wearing jeans or any such bottom other than stretchy pants.

Oh, I love my stretchy pants. They are so forgiving and they bring me such joy. But alas, they encourage me to not move or get things done. Often I put them on intending to have a great cardiovascular movement kind of day. But generally these pants are more acquainted with the couch than any other sort of sport.

So let me put on the kind of pants that say - "I will do something with myself today! I will get something, anything, done!"

Wearing pants. You heard it hear first.

My Biggest Sin

Everyone struggles with sin. But for me I do not always have a lot to repent from each and every day. That is because of all my sins, the biggest one is that I do not do anything. And I mean anything at all. I easily spent most of yesterday on the couch watching DVDs of Friends. Maybe I spent some time tidying up. But mostly I watched Jennifer Aniston get thinner and thinner and napped.
All in all, I believe that making real mistakes is much better than making the mistake of doing nothing. How do we grow without first making a few mistakes? How do we correct what is wrong in our lives without doing anything at all?
All in all, I want to dive headfirst into my life, knowing that my sins are forgiven, not worrying about attaining perfection with everything rather than doing nothing. Not that I look for sin and such, but I wish to walk out the door everyday with a purpose rather than a routine.

Trusting God with My Sciatica

So on Sunday, I asked for prayer for a pain in my back. Before I left that day a man asked to pray for me to be healed. He put his hands on me and prayed.
If I haven't said it before I am Baptist and this made me majorly uncomfortable.
But why?
The guy asked me if I believed God could heal me. And I do. But I kinda don't.
I have no problem believing that God is control of everything. I am very Calvinist about all this. But there are still areas of my life that I do not believe God is that concerned with. But why do I think that?
I do not think God worries about healing things short of cancer and the like. I do not pray for (most) sporting events. I definitely doubt that God sprouts parking spaces on busy shopping days.
But do I get to decide what is important and what is weird? In short, not so much.
So can God heal my back pain. I believe he can. But I still struggle with whether or not I believe He will.
Any thoughts?

Huggable, Lovable

I wonder sometimes if I am not as cuddly as a Christian should be. Bible studies bring this out in me. I love discussing the Bible, theology especially, and I do love meeting people, but...
I always love the Bible, the theology, the truth more. If the truth hurts someone's feelings, I almost don't care. But feeling the way I do, I can lose out on a lot of relationships.
In the last group I co-taught, I was definitely not the one most people came to. Now people came to me, but not if they wanted comfort. I was/am not the kind to hold you, rock you, and talk to you over and over about your problems. If you have a problem, let's address a solution. Until you take action, I generally have nothing else to say.
I worry because I do not know if I am the kind of person I would bring my own troubles to. Do I belong in a Bible study as a leader, or should I just remain one of the attenders?

I'm Coming Back!

Through the prayers and love I have preciously received, I am back on my blog. I couldn't have done this without your support and God's strength.
I am still pretty up and down, but the days of wishing I would drop out of existence seem long gone reminding me there are better ways to spend my time. Netflix and also my blog.
I have been trying to get outside every day too. It inspires me and also I hear the more I move, the less I am likely to return to my dark days.
It is a good thing that God is not about religion. If my salvation depending on my quiet times or church attendance the past month, I would be dropped from the family. Aren't we lucky that God is not a God who keeps track of what we do wrong?
Amen to that.

In Hiding...

One of the most shameful things as a Christian is to admit that you are not as in control of your life as you think you should be.

I have been struggling with a deep depression since my last couple posts. I admit freely that sometimes I become so depressed I cannot leave the house or function. But this does not make me (or you, if you know what I am saying) less of a Christian.

But a crappy Christian? Perhaps. I do become more selfish. I want only what makes me comfortable. I feel so bad, I feel like I deserve it. But my life is not all about me.

No matter how dark your days may get, never forget that life does not revolve around you. When a life is as it should be, it will be all about God.

I am going to try to write my way out of this darkness, so hopefully I will have more for you soon.

Falling Down

So like a little old lady I have fallen all over the place lately. I fell once on the sidewalk going to get my mail. And then again on the step of my neighbors whilst they watched me try to carry groceries and talk on the phone.
But humorous as these occasions may be, I am here to talk about another plunge I recently took.
Since my absence on this blog I have been deep in depression. I mean over my head. And when that happens I cease all function. I don't brush my teeth. I don't shower. I may eat nothing or I may eat everything. No matter what I do all I feel is numb.
So I am stepping out here and saying that I feel nothing. And doesn't that make for some interesting reading?
One of the worst attacks on us as humans is, I believe, the feeling that we are alone in something. And that is my point today. I want to stand up and shout that I know, I KNOW, I am not alone in this depression. I am not the only person who woke up today, or never went to sleep, and I feel completely numb. Pain is almost welcome when it means that some emotion makes it through the dense fog of depression.
So don't believe the lie. Whatever it means to you, know you are never alone.